So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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