haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
