This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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