just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
