happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
