I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
