i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
