Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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