There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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