Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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