thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
