It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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