Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
