just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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