please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
