he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
love makes seman taste better
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
