Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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