Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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