I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
