why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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