Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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