i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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