good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
