just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We left the knife in your bed.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize