Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
