My Higher Power is John Stamos
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.