On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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