Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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