I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
