Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
