I met the friendliest cop last night
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
