it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
