Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm way too hungover for life right now
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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