It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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