i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You dont lie about slip and slides
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
