you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
