I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
