woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
