I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
