apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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