I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
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You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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