You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Who died my cat blue again?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
