Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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