Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
