what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
