3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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