Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
