I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
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My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
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if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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