is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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