I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
