i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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