Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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