drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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