Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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