today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
