I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
