No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
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I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
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Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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