My nipple is on Facebook.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
