my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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