Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
